February 2004
Michael Schaub
propaganda
The Democrats of 2004
Election season is upon us once again, and not a moment too soon. The November 2004 election is shaping up to be a wild ride, at least until George W. Bush uses the Patriot Act to cancel the vote and proclaim himself president-for-life. Until then, though, we can still at least pretend that our votes will make a difference. (Unless you live in the South or most of the Mountain West, in which case you're pretty much fucked.)
The best hope for all us liberals is whoever the Democratic Party happens to nominate. The field has been winnowed down considerably over the last few months. There are now six major candidates -- well, four major candidates and two candidates (Dennis Kucinich and Al Sharpton) who have managed to convince everybody that they're major candidates, even though they're less electable than Jello Biafra. I include them here because I enjoy making fun of them. I would have also enjoyed making fun of Dick Gephardt and Joe Lieberman, but they inconveniently dropped out shortly before my deadline. Bastards.
As luck would have it, all of the six major candidates have written books. Or at least hired people to write books for them. I decided I had a responsibility to the readers of Bookslut to read these books and report on them, so that our audience could make an informed decision about the Democratic candidates.
But it turns out that these books are not only expensive, they are also extremely boring. And because my editor pays me in pesos and Martha Stewart Omnimedia stock certificates, it was hard to work up the motivation necessary to tackle 1200 pages of clumsy prose written by some underpaid hacks. Fortunately, I'm good at pretending I've done things I actually haven't, so it all worked out in the end. I hope this guide helps all you Democrats out there make up your minds, and strikes fear in the hearts of all you Republicans: Watch out, boys, the Kucinich juggernaut is rolling on, and no man can stop it.
The Amazon sales ranks quoted below were accurate as of February 5.
The candidate: Sen. John Kerry (Massachusetts)
The book: A Call to Service:
My Vision for a Better America (Viking, 202 pages, ISBN: 0670032603)
Amazon sales rank: 519
Book with higher Amazon sales rank: Stitch 'N Bitch: The
Knitter's Handbook by Debbie Stoller (61, ISBN: 0060582510)
What this says about John Kerry: Frankly, I'm not sure I want to
know.
John Kerry used to date: Morgan Fairchild.
What this says about John Kerry: The man really liked the
show Flamingo Road. Ain't no crime.
This from a guy who's, like, 127 years old: "(John Kerry) looks
like Abraham Lincoln -- after the assassination." -- Gore Vidal
Sample Amazon reader review: "A call to service my ass. It's more
of a call from my credit card company asking, 'Did your card get stolen?
Who bought this piece of poop?'" (An anonymous reader from -- wait for
it -- New York)
Can he beat Bush? John Kerry was getting shot at in Vietnam while
Bush was AWOL from the National Guard. But Bush wants to cut taxes, so
probably not.
The candidate: Former Gov. Howard Dean (Vermont)
The book: Winning Back
Americaa (Simon & Schuster, 192
pages, ISBN: 0743255712)
Amazon sales rank: 2954
Book with higher Amazon sales rank: Armageddon: Left
Behind
#11 by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins (1489, ISBN: 0842332367)
Howard Dean used to date: Morgan Fairchild. That's why Kerry's at
his throat all the time.
Really? No.
Factor by which Howard Dean, a doctor, is smarter than President
Bush: About 15 million
Will America care? No.
Sample Amazon reader review: "Yes, we can win back America when
Howard Dean shuts the hell up. Go make sausages with your brother Jimmy
Dean and sing a song with your cousins Jan and Dean." (J. Mike Knox of
Pasadena, Calif.)
Can he beat Bush? Howard Dean was a huge success as governor of
Vermont, balancing the state budget against all odds. But Bush wants to
cut taxes, so probably not.
The candidate: Retired U.S. Army Gen. Wesley K. Clark (Arkansas)
The book: Winning Modern Wars:
Iraq, Terrorism, and the American Empire (PublicAffairs, 240 pages, ISBN:
1586482181)
Amazon sales rank: 2019
Book with higher Amazon sales rank: The Book of Bunny
Suicides by Andy Riley (538, ISBN: 0452285186)
Sample Amazon reader review: "By the way, having served under the
man, I can personally attest to the fact that the man is a moral coward
who will change his stripes to whatever seems the most politically
advantageous. This book is just one more example." (An anonymous reader
from Houston)
So he calls Clark a coward, but posts an anonymous review? Yeah,
good work, soldier. I feel secure knowing yellow hypocrites like you are
defending my country.
Can he beat Bush? Wes Clark is a war hero who pretty much
singlehandedly put a stop to ethnic cleansing in Kosovo. But Bush wants
to cut taxes, so probably not.
The candidate: Sen. John Edwards (North Carolina)
The book: Four Trials
(Simon & Schuster, 237 pages, ISBN:
0743244974)
Amazon sales rank: 761
Book with higher Amazon sales rank: Where Is Baby's
Belly Button? by Karen Katz (52, ISBN: 0689835604)
Isn't he that psychic guy? No. That's John Edward.
Isn't he that Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God guy?
No. That's Jonathan Edwards.
Isn't he that Bachelor Party guy? No. That's Adrian Zmed.
Sample Amazon reader review: "He himself, on the campaign trail
likes to tell you about his middle class upbringing, well how do you
think he amassed the huge fortune or paid for his 8 bedroom, 6,672
square foot Washington D.C. home or pays the husband and wife nanny duo
who take care of his children and fly them back and forth between the
said Washington mansion and the campaign trail?" (An anonymous reader
from Cary, N.C.)
Can he beat Bush? Edwards is intelligent, well-spoken, and
morally courageous. But Bush wants to cut taxes, so probably not.
The candidate: Rev. Al Sharpton (New York)
The book: Al on
America (Kensington, 304 pages, ISBN:
0758203519)
Amazon sales rank: 281307
Book with higher Amazon sales rank: Just Justin: Get
With 'N Sync's Total Babe! by Kimberly Walsh with Anne M. Raso (79970,
ISBN: 0439174503)
I hate to admit it, but: I kind of like this guy.
Sample Amazon reader review: "This sad, sorry literary effort
merely reaffirms that Mr. Sharpton is little more than a posturing,
flamboyant, hate-driven windbag whose chief purpose seems to be
promoting divisiveness." (An anonymous reader from the United States)
"Hate-driven windbag": Would be a good name for an album.
Can he beat Bush? Yes, absolutely. I'm serious. What? Why are you
looking at me like that?
The candidate: Rep. Dennis Kucinich (Ohio)
The book: A Prayer for
America (Thunder's Mouth Press, 160
pages, ISBN: 1560255102)
Amazon sales rank: 7240
Album with higher Amazon sales rank: Meat Is
Murder by The
Smiths (5012, ASIN: B000002L7J)
This whole column was just an excuse to make that joke, wasn't
it? Yeah, so what?
Age at which Kucinich discovered he was pro-choice: 56.
Age at which Kucinich discovered he was vegan: Uncertain, but
sometime before he was 56.
Cabinet department Kucinich wants to establish: Department of
Peace.
And now, an out-of-context quote from the congressman: "I would
say there's a sense of which the doctrine of substantiation is connected
to the Hindu religion's concepts of shakti, yanim and yipassana."
Sample Amazon reader review: "Only a fool would vote for someone
who couldn't even keep the city of Cleveland solvent. Lots of heat but
not much light. Obviously, this book was released to coincide with an
anemic Presidential campaign. YACET (Yet Another Congressman's Ego
Trip)." (Clayton Manning from Montana)
Can he beat Bush? Yes, absolutely. I'm serious. What? Why do you
keep looking at me like that?