March 2006

Melissa Fischer

magazine whore

Extreme Ironists, Unite!!

The winter issue of Colors magazine is exemplary of the periodical’s characteristic elements: a simple theme, amazing photography, curious captions and a multi-culti vibe. Colors always manages to surprise, this time by publishing in a small, almost postcard-sized format. Tagged “a magazine about the rest of the world,” past issues have taken on such diverse topics as Lust, Drugs, Madness, Heaven, and Food; this issue is dedicated to “Best Wishes,” and presents two-hundred some pages of personal wishes from people all over the world.

Colors is a unique presence in the magazine biz for several reasons: its photography is consistently gorgeous and frame-worthy, the text is equally poetic and provocative, advertisements are relegated to the beginning and end pages to allow for uninterrupted immersion, and the themes chosen are consistently intellectually arousing, even after sixty-five issues. Among the best wishes in the current issues are those of Swedish alcoholic Leffe, who wishes he had a beer, and Egypt’s Simon Allen who wishes “animals could communicate with us.” Simon’s wish is set against a two-page spread showing pictures of French women posed with their dogs and wearing woolen outfits; the pictures’ caption reveals the women’s status as “dog wool advocates.” Page 185 announces that Banene Jasper of Uganda wants “to become the fattest woman in the world” and thus “become an attraction for everybody.”

Perhaps eclipsing the entertainment value of the magazine’s bulk is its short “Yellow Pages” section, which in six pages alone is well worth the $7.95 cover price. You nay say? Allow me to explain. Compressed into this tiny section are some of the most obscure and least predictable factoids, resources, and somewhat thematically-related curiosities. For example, were it not for said Yellow Pages, I might never have discovered my new favorite sport: “extreme ironing.” At the Extreme Ironing Bureau’s , you’ll find everything you need to join this group of adventurous thrill-seekers, as well as this helpful definition: “The sport that is 'extreme ironing' is an outdoor activity that combines the danger and excitement of an 'extreme' sport with the satisfaction of a well pressed shirt.”

As if that wasn’t enough, the fascination of Colors’ Yellow Pages continues with much-needed yet hard to find information: “The average leprechaun is about 0.8 meters tall and has a passion for alcohol.” And better still, “A monotone voice, jerky motions, and statuary poses are sexually arousing to individuals attracted to robots.” Naturally, I couldn’t, in good conscience, leave this one alone, so I proceeded to the recommended website to learn more. At www.sexuality.org/l/fetish/robofaq.html, I discovered that a whole subculture of robotic-sex enthusiasts are unified by their yen for “START-UP/WIND-DOWN” fantasies, and was edified by the startling dispatch: “In some cases, the only moments the actors will act robotic is when they are being activated or deactivated. A little jerkiness in their arms and legs, some stiff action. If done well, this can be very erotic.” Wondering what makes a good robot fantasy? Fret not: details are provided in the FAQs. If you’re currently experiencing a tingling in your nether regions, you must proceed to the site’s exhaustive list of “ROBOT PEOPLE IN FILM,” where you’ll find 63 robo-sexy titles complete with exact descriptions of plots and even caveats: “Except for a nice start-up scene at the start, no robot action at all” was the warning for Batteries Included/Robo Vixens.

Maybe your life is less sex and more violence, or a careful blend of the two. In this case, you’ll be pleased to find that Colombian designer Miguel Caballero offers a full line of “high security fashions,” including a handmade bulletproof suit and a variety of stab-proof yet ruggedly handsome outerwear. Order yours at MiguelCaballero.com. Much to my dismay, Caballero has yet to design bulletproof boxer shorts, however I’m fairly certain this will be his next endeavor.
Since you’re a Bookslut reader and therefore obviously sophisticated, you probably have an interest in high-culture. Colors proves its salt in this venue as well, with recommendations for the Umbrella and Parasol Museum in Gignese, Italy, which promises “fascinating umbrella facts,” as well as the Portland Alien Museum at PortlandAlienMuseum.com; don’t miss the latter’s “Important New Essay on Extraterrestrials” by Dr. Lawrence Johns, titled “Guilt and the Alien God.” Guilt indeed. To wit, Colors asks its readers: “Have you seen mysterious beams of light outside your room, misplaced your unborn fetus, or awoken with strange metallic implants in your body?” If so, Sweden’s archives for UFO Research are for you. Contact information for the library, which documents more than 15,000 UFO sightings in Sweden, is provided. While they might not have the technology needed to locate your missing fetus, their website at www.afu.info is nevertheless a comprehensive source.

If I haven’t already proven that Colors is a read-worthy mag, check out archived issues at the website: www.colorsmagazine.com. Here, you can also subscribe, purchase back issues, and peruse a clickable version of the current issue’s Yellow Pages. I guarantee it will be well worth your time: no other periodical can boast side by side entries on safety tips for would-be Mexican migrants and travel information for visiting the Cyprian fountain of youth.

-Melissa Fischer
melissafischer@ameritech.net